Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Locanda Sturion

Locanda Sturion (2006, 9"x9"x1.5", acrylic on canvas) Available

Stupid people, bad tattoos

I haven’t posted to my blog in quite awhile. I’ve been pretty busy with low-paying menial jobs and then I had a summer intensive class. On the bright side, I am now certified to teach English in foreign countries. On the down side, I can’t find a job in Saskatoon that doesn’t involve me serving food to society’s degenerates, which is another fabulous illustration of why so many people are leaving this God forsaken province. At any rate, I thought I would post some articles about stupid people who get Chinese characters tattooed onto their bodies when they can’t read a character in Chinese. Brilliant. Another good case of why continuing education should be ardently supported.

Here is one from the U.K: The Truth About this Badly Drawn Boy
A teenager who paid £90 to have his arm tattoed with Chinese characters got a shock when he learned the message read: 'At the end of the day, this is an ugly boy. Hairdresser Lee Becks thought he had Mandarin for 'Love, honour and obey' etched into his skin.

The 18-year-old found out that he had been tricked when he saw the effect it had on a woman serving at a Chinese take-away. 'At first, she said something about me making people laugh and talked about a crown,' he said.

'But then I realised she was really saying clown, not crown. The young woman blushed and was very reluctant to translate for me. Then she admitted what it really said. 'A 'totally mortified' Mr Becks went back to the tattoo parlour in Southend, the next day - only to find it had closed.

He added: 'I suspect the tattooist knew he was closing and just wanted to get his own back for some reason. I always wanted a tattoo and the design looked great. Now I am stuck with it but have to keep it covered up.'

When he dared show off his arm at a nightclub, a group of Chinese girls came up - and burst out laughing. Even his friends have been finding it hard to keep straight faces.His employer, Gary Doyle, said: 'He's a bit sensitive about the tattoos - they look very trendy if you don't know what they really mean. I don't think Lee stands much of a chance with any attractive young Chinese lady he may meet.'
Mr Becks plans to spend £600 to have the tattoo removed by laser.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

Monday, March 27, 2006

Adventures at The Public Library

Today was a short day and I left work around 3 or so. The sun was out, everything was melting and -- as I was admiring this bird that was belting its guts out to the world -- I slipped on some ice and bruised the heck out of my leg. I have an incredible aptitude for taking serious spills and either injuring my back or giving myself a non-lethal sprain. This aptitude is magnified by several hundred points when combined with a Crazy Carpet or some other sort of device. But, I dealt with the pain and soldiered on. Other than the spill earlier on, my day was pretty mundane: Went to the library. Looked up books on the computer. Sat beside some kid who smelled of ripe cat piss. Got La Bohème with Bocelli and Frittoli. Had some noodles at Ding Dong (Vietnamese restaurant). Came home. Took J for a walk. Got splashed by some bollocks licker that was driving her car. Now I’m hunkering down with my cello and some C.S.I. Good day . . . good day.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

The Empty Calorie's official position on people who would shut down The Sheaf

By now everyone should have heard about the critics of The Sheaf and their purblind quips. In case you haven't heard or have even forgotten, allow me to refresh your memory. What follows is a series of remarks addressed to the readers of this letter and to the critics of The Sheaf itself. The critics of The Sheaf's cheerleaders want to violate the basic tenets of journalism and scholarship for one purpose and one purpose only: to court an ugly minority of acrimonious, incompetent drongos. One might aver that inherent in our legal construction of obstructionism is the notion that I sometimes have to bite my tongue pretty hard to avoid saying what I really feel about the critics of The Sheaf. While that's true, it does somewhat miss the point. You see, like a verbal magician, the critics of The Sheaf know how to lie without appearing to be lying, how to bury secrets in mountains of garbage-speak. To recap the main points made in this letter:

1) The ideological fervor of the critics of The Sheaf's apple-polishers springs from their desire to keep us hypnotized so we don't take off the kid gloves and vent some real anger at the critics of The Sheaf;
2) The critics of The Sheaf are so huffy, I could languish along beneath the thousand eyes of larcenous gaberlunzies; and,
3) they are so incredibly slatternly that they really ought to change their collective name to "Slatternly McSlatternly, the Slatternly Collective of the Slatternly".

Monday, March 13, 2006

Dinner with Capitalist Piglet

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Because even furry lobsters need their 15 minutes of fame

From March 8, 2006.

A new crustacean that looks like a lobster covered in silky, blond fur has been discovered in the South Pacific. The creature has been called the "Yeti crab." Scientists have labelled it with its own genus and species, Kiwa hirsute: "Kiwa" after the goddess of shellfish in native Polynesian culture and "hirsute" because it's hairy. The crustacean has a white shell and 10 legs. It measures about 15 centimetres from tip to toe, or about the size of a salad plate, said Michel Segonzac of the French Institute of Research for the Study and Exploitation of the Sea. The researcher co-authored a paper that describes the find in the most recent issue of Zoosystema, the journal of the National Museum of Natural History in France. The blind creature has pincers covered in hairy strands and has "the vestige of a membrane" instead of eyes, Segonzac told the Associated Press. A U.S.-French expedition in a submersible caught the creature at a depth of 2,300 metres in a hydrothermal vent about 1,500 kilometres south of Easter Island last year, the team reported. The crustacean is the newest member of Galatheoidea, a group of 10-legged animals that includes lobsters, crabs and prawns.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Capitalist Piglet & Harold (Printed Oct. 6, 2005)